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  • Writer's pictureKaren Lee

To All the Mascaras I've Loved Before

Updated: Apr 22, 2023

I don't know when, but it was almost like overnight, my eyelids decided to become oily. Raccoon eyes are a suuuppeerrr cute lewk... Here are all the mascaras that I have brought home, and promptly escorted out the door. I gave all of these a good chance, I did. But sometimes, it's just not meant to be.

This is probably the longest relationship I've been in. We were together for so many years. But ultimately broke up because our chemistry didn't work anymore and I looked like a sad raccoon. We went home together after a bad date (where I got stuck in the rain, black tears running down my face) with a previous mascara. I don't remember their name now. But I do remember the many years we spent together, oh you pretty, baby blue tube. Even when the going got tough, and the tube was a little older than it should be, somehow, it was better than when we first started going out. Somethings are like fine wines. They just get better with age. Until the bottle, ahem tube, runs dry.

Whoever named this Better Than Sex... needs to pick up a copy of Kama Sutra ASAP. And after a terrible night, this mascara is like a bad hookup who is not taking the hint to leave. Somehow it made me raccoon eyed AND when trying to get it off it made my lashes clump together like a gross waxy, sticky mess. #ragrets

I don't get it. You did not look like your profile pic. Lash volumizing?? Where?? My lashes look, pretty much the same? I'm seriously missing something here. I persisted even though you weren't what I was expecting, but no. We were doomed from the start.

Urban Decay - Troublemaker

Good lord, I let you into my personal space and you stabbed me right in the eyeball. I get it, I'm a little clumsy, but like, it kept happening. I'm putting you away for good.

Bobbi Brown - Eye Opening

Yes, sometimes there is such thing at too big. I guess we just didn't work anatomically? I just didn't need black tar smudges all over my eyelid. I just want a little pick me up for my lashes, not my whole forehead thank u, next.

Glossier - Lashslick

Honestly, this one wasn't terrible. It just wasn't great. It did everything it said it would...just in a very mediocre way. The best thing about it is how easily it washes off at the end of the day, but like, the best part about a mascara shouldn't be how well it comes off. Moving on to better things! Plenty of fish in the sea!


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